The Is Me
Today I am taking a personal subject and bringing it out into the open in hopes to help others. I was diagnosed with panic disorder and depression in 2010, and my life has not been the same since. But lets start from the beginning.
When I was younger I always had stomachaches and never wanted to do much outside of my house. I always wanted to call in sick to school, and always had an excuse to not go out. I would go to the doctors regularly but they could never find anything wrong with me.
When it came to high school, I found myself always bailing on my friends. Whenever they wanted to hang out I was excited, until the day of, and more times then not I would cancel on them. It made keeping friends very difficult for me. To this day I still have an issue with always keeping my plans.
After I graduated high school, after an extra semester to really be sure with what I wanted to take, I went on to University where after my first semester, my first boyfriend, my first love, broke up with me. It tore me apart. I didn’t know how to handle it. I went into my second semester, having a hard time showing up for classes, and just not interested. I was sleeping all day, and not eating very well. January came and my third semester had just started. With only the first week of classes underway, I started having massive attacks. Whenever I was in class, I would start getting light headed, my vision would go blurry and I would just start shaking all over. At this point I had made the decision to leave school and work on myself.
From May when my boyfriend broke up with me, to January I had lost 30 lbs. I wasn’t healthy, and the only place I could go to without having an attack was work. I never left my house. I went to the doctors and she had me take a test to see if I was depressed. Turns out, I was. This terrified me. Doesn’t depression mean suicidal? Does this mean I don’t want to live? She prescribed me medication and to see a councilor. This scared me even more. I have to be on medication? How messed up am I?
But turns out, this is the best thing that has ever happened to me. I went to talk to my councilor and he officially diagnosed me with panic disorder and depression. Panic disorder is one step further then anxiety. Everything started to make sense to me now. Why I never wanted to go to school. Why I always bailed on my friends.
At first I was ashamed of this. I had mental health issues and I didn’t want anyone to know. But as I got older and learned to deal with my illness, I learned to accept it. Now I am very open with it. I am almost proud of it. I even travelled to Europe by myself to meet up with friends. There are still bad days, but I try really hard to get through it. Yes it can still be a burden at times, but it is apart of me, and I have become a much stronger person because of it.
I want to help bring awareness to mental health, and help end the stigma. If anyone needs help with anything feel free to message me. You always have someone who will listen if that is what you need. I hope my story inspires even just one person to reach out and ask for help. I will be posting more blog posts about how I deal with my anxiety in the future, but if you have any questions feel free to ask me.
Shop the 'I DONT MIND" tee here. The exact one I am wearing is sold out, but there are more to choose from.