One of the hardest things I deal with is my loneliness. This is what triggers my depression episodes the most. Having depression is tough enough, but feeling like you don’t have someone to lean on can make it seem unbearable. Luckily I have my mom, dad and my family who are always there for me, but sometimes I need more. I need that close friend who I can turn to when times are rough, someone who I can talk to about things that I can’t talk about with anyone else. That is something that has been a difficult area in my life.
All through grade school and high school I had friends, best friends even, but it seemed that every new school year I would start over and have to get close with someone new. By the time high school ended I had no friends. It was weird really, the last few weeks my friends were starting to grow distant from me and by the time we graduated I was barely even talking to them. That summer I did not hear from my so-called ‘best friends’. It really got to me. Then when my high school boyfriend broke up with me I felt even more alone. That is what broke the last straw, which I talk about is my ‘This Is Me’ post.
Once I started to heal and get better, I started opening up more and I felt like I was making real connections with some of the girls I worked with. But those ended up fading away as well.
When I moved to London for college, I was excited to meet new people and start to make new friends. I always hear people talking about their roommates and classmates and how they have been life long friends. I was hopeful this would happen to me. I ended up meeting amazing girls in my class who I considered to be my soul mates. I finally felt like I had people that I belonged with. But with all of us living in different cities it is difficult to see each other. I try to talk with them, but the conversations just seem forced. This broke my heart. I really did think I would be best friends with these girls forever.
I don’t know why this is a common occurrence with me. I am by no means saying I have been the perfect friend. I have bailed on friends’ countless times, which I have figured out was my anxiety playing tricks on me. I probably chose my boyfriends over my girlfriends too much, and I always felt like I was bothering people, so I never really initiated anything. But I have learned from those mistakes, and I am trying to improve.
I get jealous when I see those girls who have their best friend, or girl gangs. All my life I have wanted that. I cry when I watch ‘Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants’ because I have never experienced that connection. As an adult I don’t know how to start meeting new people. I signed up for the gym in hopes of trying to make friends. I met some amazing people, but it doesn’t seem like it’s a two way street. I want to be close with them, but it seems like they could take me or leave me.
Maybe I’m over thinking it, which is what I do, but I do know that I am not going to give up. Yes sometimes I let my anxiety win and yes I let the depression sink in, but I am a good person, and I will do anything for the people I care about.
What are you thoughts? Let me know in the comments below.